Hello, Goodbye

Sometimes in life we have to go through very sad, difficult, and painful times. Times when our insides hurt so much we can barley breathe, and our eyes sting because we have wiped tears from them so much. Times when we can't sleep because our minds run through a thousand scenarios of how we should have done something different, said "i love you more", or even just said anything more. It's not just a single moment when you feel loss and then get over it. It's different times, throughout different days and years when we remember, and cry for our missing loved ones and the hole our hearts and lives will always have in them. 

 My dad battled with brain tumors since i was very very little, the very first one he had was not supposed to be curable, But anything is possible with God. So because of prayers all over the world (literally) my dad's tumor went from un-treatable to treatable, and he was able to get the medicines and such that he needed. Throughout the next few years he was free of the evil called cancer; but eventually it came back, time after time, treatment after painful excruciating treatment. My dad was a fighter, and even through all this he still served the Lord in his testimony, with his music, and with the way he cared for his family. It was only three months after i got married that my dad quickly got worse and ended up going home to see Jesus.  

This was the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. It was difficult to let go, even though i knew my dad would be in Heaven where no brain tumors could plague his brain, and no medicines would be needed to keep him alive. I had such a broken heart, because i loved my dad so very very much, and i didn't expect to lose him so quickly.  

Holidays were so different, visiting my mom was and sometimes is still hard because i just expect to see him still, and looking at my sister and knowing how many things she wont be able to share with dad was and is heartbreaking.

There are easier times, and then are very hard times. When i found out i was pregnant i would go into the babies room at times, sit in the rocking chair and stare at my growing belly and just weep, because my child and future children will never get to meet their grandpa (at least not on earth) I would imagine and dream about my dad's reaction when he found out about being a grandpa, how he would be such a baby hog when the little guy finally came, and how he would play with him and all the fun they would have together. 

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 There have been many deaths in the family throughout the couple of years but just a few days ago I had to say a hard goodbye all over again, with my grandma this time. 

My grandma was such a strong independent woman, who was a force to be reckoned with. But she was also the most tender, loving person as well. Everyone called her grandma, because she was there for everyone. She was proud of her church, the people in it, her garden and most of all she was proud of her children and grandchildren. She had Facebook and would re-share our posts about our kids, or events we went to, or even photos from way long ago from her children's weddings or our graduations. 

When Her husband passed away several years ago, she was at a loss, but she stuck through her hardships, stayed in her old farmhouse and took care of her yard like someone much younger than her would. When my mom lost dad, grandma was there for her showing her that it is ok, and you can stay strong and get through it. 

Grandma loved talking to everyone, and she shared Jesus love and gospel with anyone who would listen. She was strong until the end, when she came down with influenza B and pneumonia. We all expected her to get better, because well... its grandma. She always bounced back from one thing or another. But not this time. She ended up leaving us all for her heavenly home. It was quick and unexpected, and we all hurt from it in our own ways. 

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Now i'm not telling you these things to be sad, or feel bad for me. Although there are some things people Shouldn't say to grieving people. For instance please don't say "build a bridge and get over it" or "it happens to everyone" or "This too shall pass" because really that is not what we want to hear in our time of mourning... K? thanks.

I told you those stories to let you know that no matter how busy, distant, or angry you are from/ with a loved one, make the time to talk to them. Make the time to visit, or fix the broken relationship. 

Time is precious. The bible states in James 4:14  Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. 

We don't know how long we have with our loved ones, or even ourselves. Make each moment count! 

Something i realized through these losses, is how much LOSS really means. 

Loss defined by Websters dictionary is: the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value. 

I don't know about you but i like to take care of things that are of value to me, and i'm sure i'm not the only one. So with all of that said, we all have to say hello to goodbye, because yes they are inevitable in life, so cherish the moments whether big or small, and love your family one and all.

Until next time,

Hannah